Couples therapy
The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Quick Guide to Dr. John Gottman’s Research
Dr. John Gottman has studied thousands of couples over more than four decades. In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he concludes that lasting marriages aren’t built on grand gestures or avoiding conflict. They rest on a deep friendship and small, everyday habits of connection. Here are his seven principles in brief.
Dr. Rasoul Aghaei · 27 Oct 2026 · 3 min read
1. Enhance Your Love Maps
A “love map” is your mental picture of your partner’s world: their worries, dreams, friends, stresses, and favorite things. Couples who know each other in detail are better prepared to weather major life changes. Keep asking questions and stay curious about who your partner is becoming.
2. Nurture Fondness and Admiration
Respect and appreciation protect a relationship from contempt, which Gottman calls one of the strongest predictors of divorce. Make a habit of noticing what you value in your partner and saying it out loud.
3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
Partners constantly make small “bids” for attention, such as a comment, a question, or a touch. How you respond to these everyday moments builds an “emotional bank account.” Turning toward these bids, rather than ignoring them, is the foundation of romance and trust.
4. Let Your Partner Influence You
Healthy marriages are partnerships where both people share power and decision-making. Being open to your partner’s opinions and feelings, rather than resisting them, makes each of you feel respected and heard.
5. Solve Your Solvable Problems
Some conflicts can be resolved. To resolve them, start conversations gently, make and accept “repair attempts” to calm tension, soothe yourself and each other when emotions run high, look for compromise, and stay tolerant of each other’s flaws.
6. Overcome Gridlock
According to Gottman, about 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual and never fully go away, because they come from fundamental differences in personality or values. The goal is to move from gridlock to dialogue. That means understanding the dreams and deeper meanings behind each other’s positions, so you can live with the difference without hurting each other.
7. Create Shared Meaning
Strong marriages have a spiritual or purposeful dimension: shared rituals, goals, roles, and symbols that give your life together a sense of meaning. Building a shared culture, from family traditions to common values, turns two lives into one story.
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