Most couples are hurt not by the "topic" of an argument but by the "way" they argue. The good news is that effective communication is a skill, and it can be learned.
Understanding it
Gottman's research shows that a large share of couples' disagreements are "perpetual": they stem from differences in personality and values and are not meant to be fully resolved. What sets successful relationships apart is not the absence of disagreement, but the ability to talk about it respectfully and without damage.
When to reach out
- Arguments heat up quickly
- You feel you're not being heard
- One of you seeks conversation while the other withdraws
- Sarcasm, jabs or blame are frequent
- You stop speaking for days after a fight
- You avoid raising important topics for fear of a fight
Evidence-based approaches
Softened start-up (Gottman)
Raising a problem without attacking, focusing on your own feelings and needs.
Speaker–listener technique
A structure for conversation in which each person takes turns speaking, and the other paraphrases what they heard before replying.
Recognising "emotional flooding"
Learning the bodily signs of anger and using deliberate breaks to calm down before continuing the conversation.
"I" statements
Saying "I feel ... when ..." instead of "You always ...".
How sessions work
Identifying your conflict pattern
Learning skills in session
Guided practice on a real topic
Practice at home and feedback in the next session
Frequently asked questions
Are these skills only for couples?+
No. They also apply to relationships with parents, children and at work, and individual sessions are possible too.
How long until we see change?+
Many people notice a difference after a few sessions and regular practice.
To begin, simply book a session.
Book a counseling sessionOther areas
This page is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for a professional assessment. If there is immediate danger, violence or a crisis, contact your local emergency services.